If I’m Wrong, Why Does it Work for Me?

I’m doing research on my next article for Feminspire, regarding true equality between the sexes, and a portion of that research involves heterosexual dating statistics. From every single source I’m getting the same statistics on preference. When it comes to asking someone out, men prefer to do the asking, women prefer to be asked. Never mind the fact that men who don’t ask are apparently not the least bit interested in the women, but will go out with them if they’re asked because they think it will get them laid.


So from the time I was a teenager, all the way up to this point in my life, I’ve been doing it wrong? My thoughts on being a true feminist have been getting in the way of my love life? Well, I have to say that’s a bit of a shock to me, considering the results of my personal experiences. Of course, I’ve also been told that men don’t like ball-busting-feminist types such as myself, yet there has been no lack of men who were willing to take the so-called risk. Maybe they thought they could tame me or something, but if they did it wasn’t long before they were disabused of that particular notion.

I’m not getting this information from ridiculous sources, either. The study I’m quoting in the article actually comes from Psychology Today. Yup – I’m dealing with the serious folks in the world of mental health. At least, I think I am. The article I’m referencing is written by a Ph.D., and was written in 2011. Hardly the dark ages of feminist struggle. The study was done in 2011 as well. That’s only two years ago! I was asking men/boys out as a teenager – at least by the time I was sixteen years old, if not sooner. That’s 25 years ago.

Not one of the guys I asked on a date was expecting sex from it, either. I’ve had guys ask me out and then expect sex, but not guys that I’ve asked. When it comes to that, however, it might have something to do with the fact that when I asked a guy I paid for the date. They couldn’t make the ridiculous claim that I owed them sex because they’d spent money on me. And, believe me, I have met men who think that way. I dated a guy for a few weeks once who started saying stuff like that, which resulted in the immediate euthanization of that particular relationship.

While it may be true that guys I’ve asked haven’t been particularly interested to begin with – it’s hard to say for certain – in almost all cases the dates have resulted in something more serious. So, they either found something in me that was a lot more interesting than they had previously thought, or they were actually already interested. It could go either way, since I have to say I’m pretty fantastic…damn, that ego could get really out of control.

I’d be more likely to believe that the guy was either on the fence about asking me, or it just hadn’t happened yet. There’s that timing thing. I just might have been quicker at figuring out what I wanted, or acted more quickly on the impulse. Granted, when it comes to asking someone out for the first time, it’s usually not done impulsively no matter how they might like to make it appear in movies. I mean, really, it takes a fair bit of time for anyone, male or female, to work up the nerve.

I have had some very strange pick-up lines thrown at me, though. One guy, dressed as a woman, propositioned me for his friend…who was a clown. His friend had apparently ‘called’ me first, kind of like a dibs thing, like I was the front seat of a car or something. They both wanted to ask me out, I guess. Neither of them succeeded. It wasn’t the women’s clothing or the clown suit that made me say no, seeing as it was actually a Hallowe’en party, but the fact that I was married at the time certainly did.

I would have said no anyway. Guts are important to me, as well as being treated as something more than a possession you call dibs on. If a guy wants to ask me out, he’s stuck doing it on his own. If he has to pretend he’s in high school to do it, my answer will always be no. Should he grow some balls later, that could possibly change to a yes, especially since it would take even more courage for a second go-round. I don’t think it’s too much to ask, since I’ve got the courage to ask someone out myself. I’m not asking someone to do anything I’m not willing to do myself.

The other part about the possession thing should be self-explanatory to anyone who isn’t a neanderthal. I’m not a piece of meat to be fought over, or ceded to anyone else. If two men like me they can both ask and let me make the choice. If a man is interested enough, he’s not going to bow out to his friend anyway.

Admittedly it was more convenient under the circumstances to be able to simply say that I was married and there were no hard feelings. Otherwise I might have felt compelled to explain the other reasons for my refusal. Not easy, considering the fact that I was in a local bar at the time and the music was loud. However, knowing how difficult it can be for someone to ask another person out, I would have felt bad if I hadn’t done something to help them in the future. If it hadn’t been for the loud music I might’ve said something anyway. These guys badly needed to know what they were doing wrong.

Now, as for the part about men not being truly interested in a woman, if they don’t make the effort to ask her, yeah, there’s definitely some truth to that. If you wait long enough, most men will figure out a way. Apparently they’re hardwired for it at an evolutionary level. They must dance and preen for a prospective partner. They must show their, um, pretty feathers. They must prove their manly worth, occasionally by doing really stupid things that most women will roll their eyes at.

You kind of have to be surprised by the fact that it works when men do the stupid posturing thing, considering the fact that on an evolutionary level those things don’t bode well for the potential offspring of such a union. Women get impressed by motorcycle stunting and fistfights and men who have high-success careers. Great! You have a man who will probably die young, a man who has anger-management issues, and a man who’s a workaholic. Fantastic choices there!

Thankfully I’m at a point where I don’t need any of this crap. I no longer want a relationship so badly that I can be bothered asking a guy on a date. I’ll go to the extent of letting a guy know I find him attractive, but after that it’s up to him. It’s kind of weird, that after all this time of being so proactive in my lovelife my feminist tendencies have brought me to where I’m content enough to be by myself that I don’t feel the need to be proactive with my lovelife anymore. Circular logic?

2 thoughts on “If I’m Wrong, Why Does it Work for Me?

  • March 14, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Yeah, I think the truly independent among us would agree with that. I look at a guy now and generally say, "Do I really need or want this crap?" Usually the answer is a resounding, "No!" I'm not sure how typical that is for a 41-year-old woman, but it works for me! Not that I would necessarily say no if I thought things would be good. I just won't say yes to half-assed.


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