Comfortable in My Own Skin

It’s a very good thing I’m not the type of person to get cabin fever. I live a very secluded life these days. I’m content with it, though. Sure I’m frustrated by the fact that my healthcare is so crappy I may have to wait a couple of years before I can get my surgery (just one of those things I’ve found out recently that have made me a bit cranky and even more introverted than usual), but I’ll do what I have to do to keep myself occupied and content.

I did forget to mention in my last post that I’ve rediscovered the joys of being single, through no fault of my own apparently. I managed to get myself dumped – by e-mail no less – but it was a good thing as far as I was concerned. For the first little bit I was really into the relationship, but then drew back almost completely when I saw he didn’t have the same enthusiasm. I was actually somewhat content to let things go on casually, but I guess he felt guilty and thought he’d be causing me serious hurt down the road, so he decided it was for my own good that I be released from the relationship. Kinda sounded a bit pompous to me, but that’s okay. After all, I was starting to make excuses about the weather being too bad for him to drive all that way. I guess he didn’t notice.

So here I am, back to being a single entity, and it’s rather a thrill. The thing is, if I’m going to be with someone, I want it to be someone who makes me feel good whenever we talk. Someone who is always encouraging, and doesn’t suck all the energy out of me. My last serious relationship, which ended about 6 years ago, completely exhausted me. For several years I simply had no interest in being with anyone. I felt the odd spark here and there, but didn’t want to pursue anything. Just the thought of getting involved, and dealing with all the crap relationships tend to generate, made me want to crawl under the covers for a week. I just could not bring myself to consider going there.

I’m at a point now where I’d be okay with a relationship, but only with the right person, and the guy I was seeing for a few months there was apparently not the right person. There was a lot of good there, but it was actually making me tired. I felt like I was forcing things, and as though I was obligated to text or call, and try to carry on conversations when I just didn’t feel like it. That made me tired all over again, so that I just chilled for a few months (as anyone who reads my blog would have seen from my lack of posting). I wasn’t upset or depressed – just tired.

Of course, taking a break from writing meant I lost all my momentum there. It goes back to that inertia thing. A body at rest tends to stay at rest, while a body in motion tends to stay in motion. Well, I’ve been at rest in practically every way lately, which means having to kickstart myself – as in, a good kick in the ass most likely.

Thankfully I’ve got really good friends who keep me attached to the world even when I don’t necessarily feel like it. I have friends that just want a quick e-mail to let them know I’m still alive, and then I’ve got my friend and business partner who calls me all the time. He’s one of those people that has a knack for getting people going, too, which is always a bonus. Even when he nags me, I don’t take offense or get irritated, and in fact the nagging does push me to get things done. I guess the nagging is more like really good encouragement. Then again, he is a teacher, and from what I can see he’d have to be a damn good one.

Even feeling like a lazy git, it doesn’t seem to bother me all that much. I’ve learned to accept my limitations in some ways. I get work done when I feel up to it, and don’t force myself when I’m not. At one time I was posting in this blog every day, along with writing an additional two or three articles each week. I stopped enjoying my writing, I think. That didn’t occur to me until now, which is surprising, but the fact is I just couldn’t bring myself to start tapping at the keys. Of course, having a new laptop that does everything it’s supposed to do makes a huge difference in my attitude. I waited a long time for this little treasure, so I’m very content.

One really good thing lately has been the fact that my daughter has been working for several months now, so between the two of us we’re able to live decently instead of just getting by. Hence, the new laptop. We’re no longer worried about the monthly bills, or how we’re going to manage to buy enough groceries each week. In the last couple of years we’ve really noticed the changes in food prices, I tell ya. It’s unbelievable. I mean, I used to be able to feed three people on $20 a week. Now that wouldn’t last a single person for 3 or 4 days. Minimum wage is going up here again. I can’t remember how much, but it’s a pretty good hike, so that means things will be a little bit better, too, since it’s more than what my daughter makes now, even though she’s getting a little more than minimum wage.

I’ve started doing some website design, too. Just a little bit, but I’m learning a lot. I’m delving into Flash finally, so that should be an interesting (and steep) learning curve for me. I don’t do well with graphics programs like PhotoShop, but hopefully my experience with music and video editing, along with my limited background in computer programming, will be of assistance there. When I need a good graphic or logo design, though, I generally ask my daughter to do it. It saves me tons of time, because it would take me forever to do what she can do in a couple of hours, even when she’s doing multiple things to give me options to choose from.

I was taught how to use a computer back when there were no ready-made programs to use and if you wanted the computer to do something you had to type in the information yourself. The programming language was called Basic back then, and later they went to VisualBasic with the graphical user interface (known as GUI in geek). Banging out lines of code was rather simple, actually, and some of the newer programs and languages have complicated things in their own way, because generally you have to learn to use the program that you’re going to be programming with.

When you use things like Expression Web, you still have to deal with HTML (5 generally, if you want your website to work properly), but you also have to learn where everything is in the interface. Of course, you no longer have to write the code to insert a button, but you do need to understand how the coding works in case you need to make changes – sometimes those changes can screw up what you’ve done, and you have to dig in and figure out where it went wrong. I’ve had some really stupid and frustrating errors, but at least I can say I’m learning a new skill. There are a lot of 42-year-olds out there who just don’t bother anymore.

That’s something I’m rather proud of, actually. I have one of those inquiring minds where I just want to keep leaning things, and I’m not talking about butting into anyone else’s business. I’ve never been nosy in that way. In fact, people tend to tell me more than I want to know, simply because they know they can confide in me. It’s one thing when your closest friends do that – it’s expected in a real friendship. When people you don’t really know start doing it, though, you just kind of shake your head in wonder. I’ve never understood how people have always just had that kind of trust in me, but maybe it’s instinctive. I simply don’t gossip. I have no interest in hurting people, or having to deal with confrontations from people because I shared with the wrong person, and those are only a couple of reasons I don’t discuss the business of other people.

I’m like that in relationships, too. There are things that happen between two people that are absolutely no one’s business, and I will never discuss intimate details. I’ve had men ask me questions about former lovers/boyfriends/husbands, and I’m just not going there. Quite frankly they should consider that a good thing, because then they know I won’t be discussing those details about them. As open as I try to be about myself, particularly when writing articles on things that are personal to me, or writing blog posts, I always keep in mind the reaction and feelings of another person should they read what I’ve written about them. I don’t generally use names, unless the person is deceased, or it’s something positive they’re doing that I feel deserves recognition.

Now I know this has been a rather rambling post about a multitude of things, but as I said in my last blog, I just really need to get back in the habit of writing. Once I start doing it more regularly, I’ll start paying more attention to the things I see happening in the world – that’s when my posts will become more focused again. I’ve got new things going on that I’m not quite ready to talk about, too, but I think it’ll be interesting for my readers when all is revealed. At least I hope so! I can only hope I haven’t lost the knack for writing to the point where no one finds it interesting anymore. I did finally write an article for a website I occasionally contribute to. If you’re interested in semi-political stuff, you can find it here. It’s called The Current Evils of Indoctrination and Complacency. Something that’s happening with frightening consistency these days.

Part of me has been avoiding non-fiction writing to try to get into the swing of doing fiction. Now I’ve got three separate books started, and all three are the start of a potential series. Aargh. I really need to focus on one thing and just get it done. My original book is about 25% completed now, and this is about the 4th or 5th draft, so once I get this draft done it’ll be ready to be sent off. I haven’t decided exactly where just yet, but I’ll deal with that when the time comes. My second book is about demons, so it’s in the realm of fantasy. The first one is serial-killer-murder-mystery stuff. The third one somehow popped into my had from a dream, and delves into international spy territory. It’s not something it ever occurred to me that I might want to write one day. The dream was a damn good one, though, so I went with it.

I have no more excuses with my writing and other projects. Having a new laptop that I can actually use on my lap means I really can write anywhere, no matter how miserable I am. Hopefully I latch onto that and get moving again. I’ve been missing something vital in my life, not having my writing, so I need to reclaim it.

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